Guest post: Meet Matilda

11 Jul

Cheerio! My name is Matilda and I am looking forward to telling you about why I am posting on Simply Shaka.

I was once a queen in England  (in my head) and I wasn’t meant to be in America. You see, I was trying to board the plane to come over to the States with Prince William, Duke of Cambridge and his wife, Kate this past weekend. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to see the beauty that is America. I hear amazing things about Wal-Mart, apple pie and a magical place called New Jersey. But security wasn’t having that. I attempted to sneak in on the liquor cart but they caught me and weren’t very nice to Miss Matilda. They said something about how I was batsh** crazy and smelled of FRIS vodka. They were correct….about the FRIS at least. I blacked out for a bit and ended up at some dingy place called Unique Thrift Store in Wheaton, MD. I was so excited to go to a place called Maryland since my mums name was Mary but this thrift store place?  Is nasty.  It smelled of sweat, mothballs and Chinese take out….and not in a good way.

Despite my skepticism, once I arrived there I saw I was in good company with others from all over the world!



Look at these daredevils hanging upside down!

There wasn’t much to do in Unique thrift store.

On occasion I would lie in the flower beds

Reminisce about my dream to visit the metropolis of Reno  and hook for a night

Spend quality time with my new found lover-Orange Pete and my step daughter-Baby Lily. Aren’t we lovely family?

I saw Orange Pete across the aisle, ranging from the rack without a care in the world. Our eyes met and the nostalgia of puppy love hit me, I was only so lucky that Orange Pete was into older women. I hope he knows that I have not a dime to my name and am in excellent health so I will be around for awhile. There was an ordained minister on hand who was brought to Unique Thrift store from Canada. He was also shipped against his will after speaking ill about Tim Horton’s and refusing to get a maple leaf tattooed on his ass. But he is still a man of God and just like that, Orange Pete and I were wed.

Lily, even though I am not at Unique thrift store anymore and not your real mother, I will always love you.



I miss my baby however I’ve been occupying myself by hanging out with Riley. And can I say I prefer Silver Spring to Wheaton? The air is cleaner and I do not have to have sanitizer on hand 24/7.

Look at this little bugger eyeing me! I think he wanted to make me his chew toy and Matilda does not play that way.

He took a liking to me—how could you not? He better watch his back, Orange Pete has quite a temper.

I’ve dodged him for now but every now and then will see him out of the corner of my eye licking his lips.

Like the queen I am, I supervised dinner since what, you expect me to cook? Preposterous!

The ladies made a wonderful Chicken Verde Stew with Hominy. I used to order my men to chop heads now I’m ordering these gals to chop celery and carrots. Oh how things change!

A delicious bowl of stew, even good in the summertime, who knew??

I can say that even though I am not touring the west coast with William and Kate I fancy the states (outside of Unique thrift store that is)

There is an abundance of cheap things to do, like going to the public pool. Public pools are fit for royalty you say? Not quite but the wackadoo who is toting me around likes to keep things on the cheap and work on her tan. I keep telling her that she shouldn’t be in the sun that much because it is going to advance the aging process. But instead of listening to me she threw me into her pool bag and away we went

These gas prices? Are cheaaaaap!

No Matilda, no cry

When I was the queen, I had staff to turn the pages for me since my little nubbins don’t do the trick (also, I don’t want that nasty ink on me) I miss the days of ordering people around.

I’d like to order that little brat behind me around, doesn’t he just look like a trouble maker?

After a day in the sun, there was one thing on my mind.

Oh yes, Miss Matilda likes to get her drink on. She also likes to refer to herself in the third person.

And you all know what happens after a few drinks. The girls start to get loose and the boys start to get aggressive. I met a suitor you see but after a few minutes of forced conversation at a Thai restaurant, I was bored. I need a man animal who will speak his feelings and tell me what he wants.

I say, sometimes the power of alcohol brings even the unlikeliest of people, errr, animals, errrrr, specimens together! I thought we had a moment when the instrumental version of “My Heart Will Go On” was playing but apparently he isn’t into Canadian or English women. His loss. If you’re wondering about my recent nuptials, I never claimed to be faithful to Orange Pete. Doll vows are different from humans.

My new owner and Neyal (thanks for the photo luv)

Now, I haven’t been in the US that long I do have one question……what in bloody hell is a beaver muffin????

You all will most definitely see me again. I am going to a place called Boston this weekend and cannot wait to sight see!

The queen is not dead.

17 Responses to “Guest post: Meet Matilda”

  1. Amy @ Second City Randomness July 11, 2011 at 10:11 pm #

    Has Matilda met Cecil? I feel they’d get along fabulously…

  2. leashieloo July 11, 2011 at 10:46 pm #

    Oh. My. GOD. I have a fear of dolls and don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I’m sure she is a delight…

  3. Kristina @ spabettie July 12, 2011 at 1:22 am #

    I’m still going to call her Lady Elaine. 😉

    one of my doctor friends has a teaching skeleton named Matilda, so that is what I always think of with that name. 😉 I’d go have a cocktail with her, though.

  4. Vix @ LittleMissEverything July 12, 2011 at 6:23 am #

    Haha I find her a bit scary 🙂

  5. Mindy@FindingSilverLinings July 12, 2011 at 7:10 am #

    Hysterical! Wahahahahahha! Um, beaver muffin sounds like the Betty White skit from SNL, lol!

  6. diana@mymarblerye July 12, 2011 at 8:41 am #

    I’m loving your adventures!! Are you meeting up with bloggers in Boston? I’m so jealous!!! Anyways, I’m scared of this post…I’m scared of dolls!

  7. Anna July 12, 2011 at 8:54 am #

    LOLzzzzz. I want to meet her!!!

  8. Caitlin @ The Caitie Experiment July 12, 2011 at 11:02 am #

    Oh. My. GOD. You have single-handedly turned my entire angsty, venom-spewing morning around! First of all, is Matilda a long-lost relative of Lady Elaine Fairchild, the creepiest doll-puppet of all time? Secondly, is Matilda accepting applications for friends during her visit to Boston? Because I want in!

  9. Katie H July 12, 2011 at 11:32 am #

    bahahahah too funny! Matilda is a straight creeper! Looking forward to her travel adventures.

  10. OliePants July 12, 2011 at 12:15 pm #

    Hi Matilda! – you’re starting to creep me out though! LOL 🙂

  11. Monique July 12, 2011 at 12:53 pm #

    Miss Matilda, it was a pleasure meeting you today and reading about your adventures. Your new owner is a bonafide diva so enjoy being in her presence.
    If you ever want to visit NYC, I got the low down for you and can take you around to meet some pretty amazing characters.
    Are you on Yelp Matilda??

  12. Amanda July 12, 2011 at 2:09 pm #

    I am afraid of Matilda! I had to close my eyes a few times while reading. Okay not really! Orange Pete though….dear god

  13. MelissaNibbles July 14, 2011 at 5:08 am #

    I agree with Amy! Matilda must meet Cecil. I feel like Matilda would bring back Cecil’s young spirit.


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